i really fucking hate my life. i still haven't found a job, and for several reasons. one is the obvious, it's so hard for damn near anyone to find a job in this town. the other being that my fucking asshole father has it set in his head that i need to stay at his house durning the day and sell shit out of his garage, and he'll pay me. he thinks that if i found a Real job, that pays more than $40 a week, that i'll just be wasting my paycheck on transportation. i talked to him about giving me a ride on his way to work in the mornings, and he said no, he's helped me enough, and he doesn't feel the need to help me anymore.
i feel so completely worthless without a job. and what little money i do make doing shit for my dad, or fixing family and friends cars, i give to my brother for the bills. the bills which are still outragiously fucking high.
so when i sit here, posting my resume to places, i have my fucking mother around all day reminding me of how worthless i really am. trying to make me feel like shit because i don't contribute much to our house. wonder if she's smart enough to fucking realize that i know that. it really pisses me off, because we don't live with her for one, she's got no fucking right. and for two, i do what i fucking can. i do shit around the house my brother can't get to because he's working, and i do give all i can considering how fucking limited i am.
sometimes i feel like i'm so weak, and just want to give in. i feel like i can't take this shit. everyone tells me don't worry, you'll find a job, it just takes time. i don't have any more fucking time. i'm going to fucking snap. i feel like leaving, just disappearing from everyone, and everything. only reason i don't do that, is because i'm not going to bail on my brother. he's helped me so much, and suppported me for these past 2 going on 3 months. it'd be real fucked up of me to leave like some unappreciative fuck.
guess the only good thing about all of this shit is that it's turned my emotions to fucking stone. i'm completely numb to everything else right now. suppose that's better than the pain.