i don't write much anymore. nothing really to write about. everyday is exactly the same.
this weekend, a friend called me though. one i hadn't heard from in about 4 months. it was nice talking to her because the last time we talked, it wasn't good. she was upset with me because i didn't want to move back to Lubbock, and she didnt' think i was being a good friend and blah blah fucking blah. anyways, it was still nice to have a good little chat with her. only thing is, the reason she called wasn't really just to catch up, it was to tell me that someone was looking for me. it was just weird after 3 years to hear she's looking for me. due to several people probably going to tell me not to speak to her, and just ignore it, i'm not mentioning her name here. but it did put me into a mood this weekend. the type where i wanted to be left the fuck alone and get drunk, which i did. my first reaction to hearing it, was i want to see her. BUT i do not need to see her. that woman is poison to my very fucking being.
i'm going back home to Lubbock in a few weeks, i'm glad my friend told me she isn't there.
then my current frame of mind, and all of my moments of, for lack of a better word, weakness.
makes you wonder how old wounds can be so easily ripped open. all the fucking love and anger flooding through like a hurricane, only to send my head into a spin that is hard to control. i can not help but miss Her. it doesn't hurt like it did, i just don't know how to describe what it does to me. i feel so little when i think about Her, little when i speak to Her, little when i feel Her, little when i miss Her. it's not pure sadness. i still get happy to speak to Her. i like to know how the kids are doing, how She is doing.
different. i guess that is all i can say about it. but i'm ok now.