i'm trying,
my heart is aching but i'm still trying for Her
i'm crawling,
my knees and my palms are bleeding but i'm still crawling for Her
i'm crying,
i'm blinded by the tears but i'm still crying for Her
i'm lost,
i can't give up, i don't know where to go but to Her....
and i still feel Her.

yesterday, Mistress and i talked about watersports. it's something i've always wanted to try, but i'm getting more curious about it now. the way i see it now, isn't just as something i want, it's also another way for Her to mark me. She described straddling my stomach, and showering me from there to my mouth. She also talked about me drinking Her from my puppy bowl. both of which seem a little humilliating, but turn me on just the same. lol and since i'm such a whore any form of Her humilliating me turns me on so far. i don't really know what it is about it all though. i've always kinda fantasized about Her straddling my face, and cumming so hard She can't control it...then i'd be forced to be soaked by Her.

public humilliation...
something in the begining that i wasn't too keen on, or so i thought. the further along in our relationship we get, the more i'm finding out about myself, and my likes and dislikes. apparently, humilliation play is a great like of mine. i like to be reduced down to exactly what i am, Her slave, and for everyone to know, and see it. in the airport, i thought i was only playing around, and licked Her boot as She had it crossed over my lap(mmmmmmmmm boot licking). if She wouldn't have stopped me, i would have spaced so hard. i love the idea of being leashed, and following Her. to be yanked up by my collar, and told to do something. yesterday She had me go home, to go to the edge for Her, everyone knew what i was going to do, and then i had to come back to them. granted it they were only online, but that feeling. and now She knows more of this about me, and She will push it. i can't wait to find out and push this for Her. i love learning new things, and giving them to Her. for Her to mark every aspect of me, for Her to control everything i do.

i still haven't had much motivation to write. same shit going on. still looking for fucking work. trying not to get depressed. feeling restless as all hell. haven't been eating right, not sleeping well either. it is so hard for me to find work in this shitty ass town. i need to find something, anything and quick. i try not to think much on all this shit, cos it depresses me more, but how can i not. with everything going on in Mistresses life right now, our time spent together is sparse, but understandable. i just miss Her so much, and i guess it's makin me a baby over it.
i'm gonna ask my friend dani to take me around here tomorrow so i can apply for work. i made a resume on several different job sites, so we'll see where all of this goes.

well, i'm back home. this really sucks.
the kids went with us to the airport yesterday. that made it very hard to say goodbye. i thought maybe this time it would be easier to leave, but i don't think easy and leaving Her will ever be right together.
this trip was so different than the last one. it was more family oriented, and more like what it will be like when i move there. the day to day things... i got to spend a lot more time with the kids this time, which was great. we went to the park, colored and watched movies. i even got to build my first gingerbread house with them!
Mistress and i really kicked back this time. there was so much going on, that we just spent our time together, quietly. we played a few times, and as usual they were wonderful, but that wasn't the focus of this trip at all.
so all in all it was another great visit for us. i miss Her so much...

i've been here a few days, and things are great. Mistress and i still get along the same, just like we did the first time. i still fall more in love with Her each time i look in Her eyes.
the kids are so wonderful, and we get along so well. i love spending time with them.
it's so funny though, everything we do, going to the store, the park, sitting together watching a movie, it all feels like we've been doing it for years. like it's just another day for us. i can't wait til i'm here permanently. when we can do all this everyday, and not be sad each time another day passes.
Her son asked me the other day...are you staying til christmas? i said no buddy, i have to go home on the 6th. he got real sad for a few seconds, and said, well, i wish you could stay forever. i told him i wish i could stay forever too. that lil guy makes my heart melt all the time. the girl loves me, but she's not a lil mushy kid like he is. she'll just tell me every now and then.
i wish this visit didn't have to end, but it will. it teaches us not to take our time for granted, that's for sure.