a boi on hys knees: January 2006

oh the joys of goals and incentives.
for the past month i've been so worried about how hurt and upset over everything i was, i lost track of who i was, where i am, and what i need to be doing. lol not to mention just a tad bit depressed to toss in there too.
today, i got a new fire under my sorry ass. i have a goal, more like a personal fucking mission. i will try a lot harder to get a job, i will get a job. i'm sick of my brother supporting me, i am not going to be a mooch. i don't care if i have to make minimum fucking wage, i will have a job soon.
i sat around worried about what happened and why. now i'm more concerned on doing something about it, about me. also i'm quitting smoking agian. i smoke more now than i did before i quit. thankfully quitting smoking is fairly easy for me.
there has to be something out there to make my life better than it is now, and i've got to find it.
i've spent most of the afternoon lost in thought, with my head spinning. time for a brighter, more colorful change. things were as close to perfect as can be, once upon a time, and they can be again, and even more so.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh the pain of new ink. sat down with dani last week, and got an outline done. sat for a few more hours yesterday and did some shading and washing. the tattoo is of a geisha girl. she's going to be all black and red, porcelain skin. strikingly evil she is.
everytime something happens in my life, i seem to get a new tattoo. be it good or bad, i get a tattoo for change. this one is very painful, dark, and beautiful all at once....pretty fitting if you ask me. She's going to be the center piece of a sleeve. i figure if she's all black and red, the rest of the sleeve surrounding her will be bright and colorful, they counter each other, stand for the things i want them to stand for, and be so fuckin awesome lookin :D

why tell someone you're going to do something time and time again, and never do it?
who's the bigger ass, the one saying it, or the one falling for it?
i give up
i'm spent
sometimes i can't help but wonder what if though. what if i try too hard, what if i don't try hard enough.
i can't sleep any more, i'm restless and uneasy. i still can't eat much.
a person can only sit back and wait for something for so long before something gives, or they change the waiting and do something about it. it just seems that with everything, no matter what i try is pointless. nothing works.
over and over
around and around
the same damn circle.
i want off this ride...gimme back my fucking quarter.
i shouldn't still be paying for things i did as a teenager, but i am.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i know what i want to do, but can't...no won't.

i really fucking hate my life. i still haven't found a job, and for several reasons. one is the obvious, it's so hard for damn near anyone to find a job in this town. the other being that my fucking asshole father has it set in his head that i need to stay at his house durning the day and sell shit out of his garage, and he'll pay me. he thinks that if i found a Real job, that pays more than $40 a week, that i'll just be wasting my paycheck on transportation. i talked to him about giving me a ride on his way to work in the mornings, and he said no, he's helped me enough, and he doesn't feel the need to help me anymore.
i feel so completely worthless without a job. and what little money i do make doing shit for my dad, or fixing family and friends cars, i give to my brother for the bills. the bills which are still outragiously fucking high.
so when i sit here, posting my resume to places, i have my fucking mother around all day reminding me of how worthless i really am. trying to make me feel like shit because i don't contribute much to our house. wonder if she's smart enough to fucking realize that i know that. it really pisses me off, because we don't live with her for one, she's got no fucking right. and for two, i do what i fucking can. i do shit around the house my brother can't get to because he's working, and i do give all i can considering how fucking limited i am.
sometimes i feel like i'm so weak, and just want to give in. i feel like i can't take this shit. everyone tells me don't worry, you'll find a job, it just takes time. i don't have any more fucking time. i'm going to fucking snap. i feel like leaving, just disappearing from everyone, and everything. only reason i don't do that, is because i'm not going to bail on my brother. he's helped me so much, and suppported me for these past 2 going on 3 months. it'd be real fucked up of me to leave like some unappreciative fuck.
guess the only good thing about all of this shit is that it's turned my emotions to fucking stone. i'm completely numb to everything else right now. suppose that's better than the pain.

well, hopefully things are about to look up. tomorrow i am going to an interview for a job in construction. depending on how i do on the test, i can start out at $12 - $18 an hour. i'm excited and a little nervous, i haven't done much construction in a while, but i'm sure i'll do fine. the way i found this job, was last night. i went out with my brother, his gf and some friends...i met this really cool dyke there at the bar we were at. she told me about the job and said they are hiring like crazy. several other chics work out there, and with her recomendation, i should easily be able to get the job. i'm tryin not to get my hopes up too much, but it's kinda hard not to. the only downfall is that the job is in another town, right outside of corpus called ingleside. the plus to that, my dad and brother drive thru there on their way to and from work every day :D so i'm crossin my fingers and hoping this goes well. i really need something already.

today i have the worst migraine i've had in a long time. light hurts, noise hurts, everything makes it hurt. i tried staying curled up in the darkness of my room, but no peace thru-out the house. so here i am sitting here writing about this stupid shit, only because i haven't got anything else to do. nor do i really even want to do anything else. just so very irritable lately. i probably need to be tied down and have it beat out of me, but that's not possible, so i'll just keep daydreaming about it, making it that much worse. blah blah blah, it's a never ending cycle, if it's not one thing it's another.

today is one of those days that i'm just fed the fuck up. i'm tired of being nice, i'm tired of trying to find the good in people. i'm just fucking angry today. damn near everyone i've come into contact with in this stupid fucking town pisses me off. everyone thinks this is a laid back city, and the people are oh so fucking nice...BULLSHIT. these people here are just plain fucking stupid. stupid and lazy. you know, i try to be nice, and give some one the benefit of the fucking doubt, always thinking that maybe, just maybe there are some good people left out there but fuck no...that always bites me in the ass. so i'm done. i'm done being nice to these fucks, and i'm done trying.
there now i feel better :D

i didn't post that for anyone to ridicule Her. She was never anything but good to me. She released me cos of time because She is less than selfish and didn't like me being unhappy. i love Her and always will because She did teach me a lot bout things, and myself. i may pout and whine over it, but that is cos it hurts...not because i'm Her prisoner.

a friend of mine used to tell me to never count on forever. don't look forward to it, nor expect it. if you depend on forever you will only be crushed...she was right. due to actions, or uncontrolled circumstances, all of my forevers have always been ripped away in a fucking heartbeat. and always to my surprise too.
day by day, i am getting a bit stronger. but She instilled that ache for pain in me. i'm still sad over Her, and miss the hell out of Her, but that ache, that hunger for a whip against my flesh...it grows stronger and stronger every day as well. it is in my heart, that desire to serve. it pumps thru my veins to be a masochist. i am a slave. i need that. i feel so useless, and worthless without it.

Seek me, call me

I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution

I cling to memories while falling

Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day

Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in

Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace (I'll be waiting)