not even 2 days away...
my heart aches for Her so much. it's a different kind of ache now than before. before i was so anxious and nervous to know what She felt like, what it would all be like. now i know, and i need it again. i miss Her touch, Her smell, Her taste, Her voice, Her kiss...fuck i miss every single little thing about Her. i've never wanted someone so much, and actually been able to have them. the kicker is that She loves me, and wants me just as much as i do Her. She sees something in me. She gives me hope, and faith, and confidence in myself, more importantly, in us. i think about Her and the kids all the time. nothing happens to me that i don't incorperate them into it, or wish they were with me, or i was with them.
my brother talked to his boss at the body shop, and is getting a job lined up for me there with him. i should be able to start after i get back from my visit with Mistress. that relieves a lot of stress. it'll also help save money for me to permanently go to Her, and get a few things taken care of in the mean time.

when Mistress and i first met, i distinctly recall telling Her that no one would ever break me. i've come a long way since then. the night i received Her collar, She broke me down. i knelt in front of Her in pain and in tears...i earned my collar. She kept telling me She was not going to take it easy on me for my first scene. She did, i know She did. as the days past, She played harder. She slowly tested what i could, and couldn't take, and played on that.

Last night, She described how She is going to break me...it does scare me by the way. the thing of it is though, i want Her to. at this point, i've given Her absolutely all of myself that i can, and then found more to give Her. but to me, for Her to break me, that's Her taking that little bit of me i either didn't know about, or couldn't come up with to give...that will be Her taking all of me.
pure pain, suffering, begging Her to stop, marked from head to toe, groveling at Her feet, thanking Her for my pain, bleeding, shaking, bruised, unable to breathe, crying. reduced down to nothing without Her, and absolutely everything with Her.

ok, so i haven't written in a few days. spent yesterday layed up on the couch and on the phone with Mommy. i have a really bad knee, and yesterday when i was childishly diving around the corner of the couch to catch my phone (it was Mommy) i blew it out again. my knee usually takes about 3-7 days to start feeling up to par again. Mommy decided yesterday if it wasn't feeling any better today, She's gonna push my flight back a week. that's gonna kill me. i am so anxious and ready to see Her already. She also said there'll be no kneeling for me while i'm there :if it doesn't get better soon. how horrible would that be to take kneeling away from a slave. so i've been walking on it a bit, and putting cream on it. all that shit to try and make it better faster. it doesn't hurt near as bad today as it did. i think it'll be fine :D but then again i really want it to be fine. and She asks me quiet often how it feels too, cos She knows i can't lie to Her about it.
Her son heard us talkin about it last night, and he said "Momma, how come You keep addin days for renee to come" lol i couldn't help but giggle and say that's my boy :D the kids are counting down with me! he knows exactly how many days it's supposed to be. Mommy and the boy child are on their monthly trip today. i can't wait to hear from them, and see how things went. keeping my fingers crossed. i'm sure all is well...

so i went and talked to the guy about the job last night. he doesn't have any positions open right now, but he's trying to talk the owners into a female security guard. heh and apparently, i'm the perfect candidate for that. anyways, we sat there bull shitting for the better part of 3 hrs. the chic that does my tattoos works there, so she was in there with us. she decided she wanted to show off her work on my back, which happened to show off Mistresses work on my back as well. sooooo that sparked up an interesting conversatin with two men i'd never met before. it wasn't brutal though. i stayed red for most of it, but that's alright. one of the guys has a really nice cat of 9 tails hanging from the wall. and he was discussing dragon whips with me. ok so we talked about workin at the bar, tattoos and bdsm, so as you can imagine, everything else inbetween came up. just so happens that this guy has family in the carpentry business here in town...so since he can't get me a job with him, he's gonna pass my number along and see if his brother has a crew i can work on! i'd like that so much better. he said i'd hear back in a week or so :)

I'd cover you in kisses
Hold you in my arms
That's all that I can think of
Every minute we're apart
Darlin' I've been livin'
For the moment that we touch
So I can cover you in kisses
And wrap you in my love


I heard that song today. I miss you.

sat here once again, staring at a blank screen. normally it's not hard for me to write. lately it has been though. usually if i'm in a block, i'll read Hers, and feel inspired by something, and write, but She's not writing much either.
it hasn't even been a whole week since i left Her, but it feels like an eternity. i know this is so redundant, but THIS SUCKS! i hate being away from Her.
i have an interview today. it's for a job at a bar. i'm not too thrilled about it, but it's work. also the first thing that came up. at this point, i don't care what i do. i'm hopefully only going to be here until sometime in january.
ok, it's taken a cup of coffee and like 25 min to write this much : looks like i'm done

i really am a spoiled ass brat. which is why i didn't say anything last night, when She had to go to bed early. yesterday was a long day, hell it's been a long weekend. She had things to do early this morning, so She needed Her rest. i was pretty upset though. i just looked so forward to finally getting to spend some real Mommy time with Her. i even changed around some plans to stay home so i can speak with Her. it's not like we didn't talk, but i guess i'm spoiled to talking to Her until around 2 am. i've been being a baby over everything since i left. it's not the same being on the phone again. and i'm happy i got to see Her, and i wouldn't have changed that for anything. i just wish i didn't have to leave. and now the time isn't passing fast enough for me to see Her again.
Her lil girl made me swallow a bit hard yesterday too. she asked me when i'm gonna go see her again. i guess neither of them have stopped asking since i left, but it's different hearing Mommy tell me what they say, as opposed to hearing it directly from her. i miss the kids a lot too. they are wonderful little monsters.
i can't wait til we get all of this sorted out, and i'm back where i belong, with Her.

man i'm in such a funk. i haven't felt like writing at all lately. i miss Her so much, and i feel so lonely and empty now that i'm not with Her. i know we'll see each other again soon, but yesterday was too long away from Her. i talk to Her on the phone still, but She's got company, and i've not been around my family in so long, we don't get much talk time. that and it's just not the same anymore. i ache so badly for Her touch, for Her kisses, just for Her.

i'm shaking just as bad leaving Her as i was coming to see Her. i have an upset stomach and all. it' s so much different now though, so much worse. it's like She's being drained from me or something. i haven't cried yet, which is good, but it sucks cos it's going to hit me hard when it does. i'm kinda glad She just walked away. i wouldn't have been able to take turning around and seeing Her there, so sad.

it's getting harder not to just break down right now. i just called Her, and to hear Her sweet voice so trembly and full of tears kills me. this is so hard. after spending everyday with Her, in Her arms, it already feels like an eternity since She left my side. it hasn't even been an hour. hopefully i can see Her in a few weeks though.

fuck i'm not used to the phone thing again. i want to be there, next to Her. i feel so lost without Her hands on me. i feel so empty without Her eyes on mine. i don't think i've ever felt so much love for, or even from Anyone. like i'm going thru withdraws from Her. this is so hard to swallow. in two hours i will be so far away from Her. as soon as She was out of my site, it felt like She was a million miles away. to say i miss Her doesn't even come close to what i really feel

arrived early on saturday morning. nervous as all hell. She let me talk to Her on the phone the whole way to Her when i got off the plane. fuck atlanta has a huge airport. She was just as perfect and beautiful as i had imagined. the first night was amazing. i got to scene for my first time. the space is so fucking incredible when i'm actually with Her. i've never felt so high, and so happy, and clingy all at once. i don't know how to describe it really. all i do know is this. now i'm a bruised up, cut up, sore, whimpering, crawling, begging, groveling, collared little slave boi, and i couldn't ask for more. She's everything i wanted and more...

i got all of my things packed up today. everything is sitting there...i'm so anxious and excited. She's leaving around noon tomorrow to head towards atlanta. i'll spend most of the afternoon on the phone with Her while She's driving, and then sleep when She gets to the hotel. then i'm gonna leave at about 2:30 am for the airport. i can't believe it's here already. today was still long as all fuck, but it's almost over with. 1 more day.

fuck this week has been soooooooooooooo long and it's only wed. i'm just stressin. and the time change is fuckin with me. i want these next two days to go by like the last two weeks have, and it's not gonna happen. they are gonna feel like a whole nother two weeks, just like the last few days have. this blows. i just want to get to Her. two days seems so far right now. and then i think i'm gettin a little edgy with current life situations, with Hers and mine. i know that's not helping much.
i've also come to the conclusion that more than an hour away from Her kills my pitiful ass. She asked me last night what i thought it'd be like if we had to spend a whole day without talking, all i could get out was a whimper. i don't even like thinking about that. i've never been so love sick in my life. we have spent at least half of every day talking to each other non stop. and that's the very least. it's just shocking that both of us hate being on the phone, and that's all we do. and neither one of us are tired of each other yet.
i can't wait to see how this all translates to our life together. i can't see any reason it'd be any less than what it is now. it's just gonna intensify a whole fuckin lot.
i wish i could stop repeatin 2 days over and over long enough for my stomach to settle down.