ok, in four days, i'll be at Her feet. i'm more nervous now than i have been. i'm so excited, anxious, scared, nervous, happy, i'm a big fuckin mess is what i am.
yesterday, i broke down another one of my walls. i've been honest with Her about everything. me, my past, all of it. there has just been one thing that i kept from Her, and couldn't stand it any longer. i've never even told my parents. honestly, i just couldn't take not telling Her. i felt like i was keeping something from Her. i was scared. scared She would see me differently, or feel different towards me. once again, this wonderful Woman has proved me absolutely wrong, and made me feel good about myself. She's helping me see that i am a good person now. reguardless of my past, and who i was. i am not that person any more. i just wanted to curl up in Her lap and cry yesterday. i know She feels my hurt, i can hear it in Her voice, and feel it in Her reactions. it's times like those that we seem so far away, and helpless. at the same time though they bring us so much closer together, and stronger than before.

last night She sent me into space, and it was nice for a while. She was reminding me just where my place is, and where i stand (or kneel) on everything. explaining to me how it will be, for me to be Her slave. which is getting easier for me to grasp. i will give Her everything with no hesitation. but then, She scared me... cos sometimes i do get lost in Her, in Her voice, in Her words. i can feel when She wants to push me further. i don't remember what exactly triggered it, but i paniced. Her voice immediately changed and i couldn't breathe. i could hear Her tone, calming and soothing, but for a while, i never get what She's saying. i hit little space so hard. i wished She was there to hold me. for some reason though, i always feel that much closer to Her after times like that. when i get scared, or panic, or anything for that matter, She's always right there.

6 days

i talked to Her kids again today. that makes me so happy. it's not some big ordeal, but i really was worried that they may not have liked me when i got there. that would have broke my heart. but those lil guys are so smart. lol they figured out Mommy was on the phone an awful lot, and started askin questions. eventually they wanted to talk to me. i get this huge cheezy ass grin on my face when they want to talk to me. i can't wait to see them, almost as much as i can't wait to see Her lol! funny innit.

every breath i take, She controls how i take it. everything i do, She controls how i do it. none of this bothers me. i give myself to Her, for that reason. why is it, that when She tells me, when She makes me realize exactly how much control She really has, i freak out. not so much in a bad way, just a panicy, i can't breathe kinda way.
what's the point of having limits, when you can't tell your Mistress no? i'm glad She knows my limits. i know in that, i can put my life in Her hands, and She'll never do anything to harm me. i do think She gets a kick out of scaring the fuck out of me, but She wouldn't ever abuse me in any way.
i'm finding a whole new person in me. Her slave. fuck it's so easy to say that now. 2 months ago i would have laughed at Someone thinking they could just walk in my life and take over the way She has. the way i want Her to. *stares at that and rubs my face* i don't recognize myself anymore, and i like who i am for once. She makes me proud to be myself, and even more proud to be Hers.
everyday passing is another day closer. everyday closer is another day stronger. just She seems so far away sometimes. i just keep reminding myself day by day, it won't be long until i'm with Her permanently.

last night i felt weaker, and more out of control than ever before. more and more, She's making me realize that i am a slave. being a submissive was just the begining. but last night, it hit me hard, and it scared me. i couldn't breathe, and couldn't hear Her telling me to. i wished She was there more than ever. all i could hear was Her voice, not so much the words coming out of Her mouth, just Her voice. that was the only thing that kept me from panicing all over. my whole body was shaking, i was tingly, my mind was in a whole other place than before. i could feel my heart ache more for Her, and my head was spinning out of control. when She finally got me to calm down, i came down hard. head pounding, stomach knotted up and almost made me sick. i got my breathing under control, and clung to Her like the lil boi i am. but everytime She went to leave, i felt i couldn't breathe again. i finally just got so exhausted She had to make me go to bed.

i registered to be a slave today. this is a huge step for me. i've never in my life wanted to give so much to Anyone. i want to give Her all that i have, then find more somewhere and give Her that too.
338-846-858

More Everyday

i crave Her
i need Her
i love Her
i feel Her
i want Her
i ache for Her

i ache for Her...

touch
voice
kiss
love
taste
heart

Come on baby, let's get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas
With the top rolled down
There's a chill in my bones
I don't want to be left alone
So baby you can sleep while I drive
I'll pack my bag and load up my guitar
In my pocket I'll carry my harp
I got some money I saved, enough to get underway
And baby you can sleep while I drive
We'll go through Tucson up to Santa Fe
And Barbara in Nashville says we're welcome to stay
I'll buy you boots down in Texas, a hat from New Orleans
And in the morning you can tell me your dreams
You know I've seen it before
This mist that covers your eyes
You've been looking for something that's not in your life
My intentions are true, won't you take me with you
And baby you can sleep while I drive
Oh is it other arms you want to hold you
The stranger, the lover, you're free
Can't you get that with me
Come on baby let's get out of this town
I've got a full tank of gas
With the top rolled down
If you won't take me with you
I'll go before night is through
And baby you can sleep while I drive

i'm only going to be allowed to cum twice a year now. and after tonight, i know better than to touch what's Hers again without permission. She had me wanting to be fucked so badly earlier that i couldn't help myself. hand down my pants, whimpering while She's saying all these things about what She wants to do to me and how and where. fuck a boi can only take so much. so as punishment, i had to take myself to the edge of cumming every 30 min while She was in Her meeting. She was texting me back and forth the whole time, not helping might i add. i begged Her to let me cum and plain and simple got a No. then She called, when i was right in the middle of Her orders, and Her voice almost made me cum. She extended my time to every hour. just before the next hour, She called back and i begged Her to let me stop...thankfully She did. now i'm sat here about ready to burst waiting for Her to come back to me.
thank You Mistress.

last night, Mistress was delightfully evil on the phone. telling me everything She wants from me, and what She wants to do to me. She makes me whimper and squirm so much. but last night was a bit different than usual. Her tone changed, and She was mean. fuck i loved it. it makes me ache more for Her. anyways, the point behind that is this...my dream.
i remember it was dark, a few candles lit in random places about a dungeon. i was there, on my knees in front of Her. Her fingers gripping my hair, pushing my face into Her. i could faintly hear Her voice. 'do you want Me slut, do you want to taste me, and please me like the toy you are' to which i replied yes Mistress. She kept my face forced there, and had me please Her, while taking a crop to my back. when She was done with me there, She tied me to an a-frame. arms above me, on my knees, where i belong. i could hear Her heels clicking around as She spoke to me. 'you want to hurt for me, don't you boi' and i begged, yes please Mistress. before i could even finish Mistress, the whip snapped and cracked on my back. are you sure boi, She said and lashed me 3 more times. please Mistress i muttered. gasping and panting for air. then a text message from Her woke me LOL that sucks. i did wake up horny as all fucking hell though, which is a wonderful way to spend the day

yesterday was such a long fucked up day for us, but we got thru it. She calms me so much, and soothes away my tears.
She finally gave me the motivation to fill out my FASFA, and get started on looking for a school. as soon as the financial aid goes thru, i will apply to go to school in Alabama to be with Her. the new school semester starts in January. i hope that doesn't end up being too soon. guess we'll find out.
things fell thru yesterday with me going to Pensacola. but it's ok. it'll work out better if i go home for a while. that way i don't disappoint my mom, and i'm home for thanksgiving like i said i would be.
the good thing about it is, i get to go see Mistress anyways. i'm just gonna go before i go home. then we can work things out from there. *shrugs* January really is just around the corner. Holiday season always seems to go by so fast.

i was little all day yesterday, for the first time since Mommy and i have been talking. She was just so sweet yesterday. not that She normally isn't, but there was more yesterday. it kept me in constant space all day. Usually She says/does things to have me bounce back and fourth. i think i've gotten addicted to being in that head space with Her, and when i'm not, i find ways for Her to put me there. i don't know if that's healthy or not yet.

I want you.

i wake up everyday, and i call Her. She's the last person i speak to every night, and the first i speak to everyday. i have spent the past 2 weeks, talking to Her, all day, or as much of it as possible, everyday. it's unreal how i can never get enough of Her. i don't get sick of Her, or annoyed. all i want is to hear Her voice, and see Her face, and make Her smile. these times i'm sittin here, missin Her kill me. we've spent a lot of time apart today. She had things to do. i can't wait til i'm there with Her, to do them with Her.

I'm just waking up. I havent even opened My eyes. I stretch and turn lazily over on My side. Already I feel that familiar tug at My heart. Too many hours spent apart. Seven hours since we said goodbye. And even though you were there in My fevered dreams....it feels empty without you in the cool morning light.

man, i can't believe i am gonna see Her. in 2 weeks, i'm going to florida. i've never been there. which is a good reason to go, but i get to go see my Mistress. it's not just planning and promises and pointless online ramblings. i really get to see Her, and hopefully, i'll be wearing Her collar soon. i've never wanted to give so much to Someone. She makes me want to be Her slave. i'm so nervous and anxious. i can't wait. this next 2 weeks is going to kill me.

You make Me proud every day, pet.

a little closer

every day, i get more and more addicted to Her. She does something else every day to make it harder and harder to be away from Her.